“Trump Helps You Get Over Your Ex”
DR. DONALD TRUMP: You know, a lot of people come into my office — tremendous people, very smart people — and they say, "Doctor, I cannot stop thinking about my ex." And I look at them, and I say... I understand. Believe me, I understand. [DR. DONALD TRUMP sits in a leather therapist chair behind a mahogany desk. A framed diploma on the wall reads "Trump University School of Feelings." An American flag stands in the corner.] DR. DONALD TRUMP: Now the first thing we need to establish, clinically speaking, is what we call the attachment wound. When a significant relationship ends, your brain's reward circuitry — the dopamine pathways — they go into a kind of withdrawal. You are literally detoxing from a person. It is a real, neurological process. And knowing that? That is your first tool. [He leans forward conspiratorially, then straightens up and shifts his voice.] DR. DONALD TRUMP: She was the best. Everybody said so. Nobody had a better relationship than us, nobody. And then she left, and I said — I said to myself, I said, "This is a total witch hunt." [He catches himself, clears his throat, adjusts his tie.] DR. DONALD TRUMP: Therapeutically... what I just modeled there is called catastrophizing combined with externalized blame. Do not do that. That is a defense mechanism, not a coping strategy. What you want instead is something called cognitive reappraisal — you actively reconstruct the narrative. Not denial. Not blame. Honest reframing. DR. DONALD TRUMP: Ask yourself: what did I learn? What did this relationship reveal about my own attachment style? Were you anxious? Avoidant? These are clinical questions worth sitting with. Journaling helps. Genuinely. Write it down. [A sad trumpet plays faintly from offscreen. DR. DONALD TRUMP glances toward it, then waves it off.] DR. DONALD TRUMP: And look — no contact is not weakness. No contact is strategic. The brain needs distance to reset those neural associations. You cannot heal a wound you keep reopening. Give yourself the gift of time and space. Huge gift, by the way. Maybe the biggest. [He points directly at camera.] DR. DONALD TRUMP: You are going to get through this. And when you do, you are going to be — and I mean this clinically — completely rebuilt. Stronger. Better. A total comeback. DR. DONALD TRUMP: That's all for today. We'll be back next week. Stay tremendous. [He winks. Sad trumpet plays again. Fade out.]